Love and other drugs
LOVE
I remember, a few years ago, asking my class to give me an example of love. A swarm of hands went up, and so, nerdy as I am, I was excited to hear the responses. The first student I asked replied with a euphoric roar, "Love Island!"... well, to say I was disappointed was an understatement. Just when I thought I couldn't receive a worse answer, the majority of the class put their hands down, some saying, "ugh, that's what I was going to say". REALLY?! I learned very fast in that class that this was the best response I was going to get. I left school that day with a whole new perspective on the power of TV, the media, and influencers. Love Island, a show where random influencers plucked from social media go to an island to find love with other influencers in the space of 6 weeks.
So I did what most curious teachers do; I watched an episode and, to my surprise, got hooked very fast. The drama, the arguments, the jealousy, the comparisons… I mean, this is golden tv for those who want to escape from their problems.
Anyway, while I was watching the show, the language used was spellbinding. "I've never felt this way with anyone before", "you make me feel things I've never felt with anyone else", and it reminded me of a book I had read by C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves. In it, he discusses the Western tradition from the Greeks who discerned four types of love; Eros (a romantic or passionate love), Philia (loving friendships), Storge (affectionate love), and Agape (a sacrificial/unselfish love). This language that these influencers were using was completely Eros- feelings of desire. The influencers could only rely on feeling alone to justify the decision to "pull" another influencer because they hadn't spent enough time getting to know each other. THIS is what my precious students thought love was! I thought, no wonder there is so much pressure for them today, both in reality and online. I thought, at least they weren't getting married… until I saw the US has a show called the bachelor/bachelorette. Wow. That's another whole blog post!
The other drugs
So I was hooked on the show and could absolutely see why my students were, but I was lucky enough to have grown up before this was a forced definition of love, and classified more as entertainment. Even though there were just as questionable definitions when I was growing up, access to the content wasn't as easy. These shows present this false sanction of Eros, this justification of a decision because we feel desire. However, out of all the loves, Eros is the most temporary. It separates the idealistic from the realistic. The realism being (as Fr Mike Schmitz puts it) the four areas in a relationship that can be a dealbreaker, faith, family, finance, and intimacy. These can only be determined over time and getting to know someone. If we make a rash decision using Eros alone, chances are, there will be a breakdown in that relationship (as love island has shown in some cases). Eros has its place in a relationship, yet there are so many more important aspects to encounter. Scripture says: "Charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting." Unfortunately, feeling won't give us the ultimate answer.
Love is an ability
We are made for love. It fulfils us. But we experience brokenness through discovering and practising it. Love doesn't come naturally. It's not something we just know how to do. It's an ability and a skill. Loving someone requires work (some more than others!) We have to understand how to treat someone with love. Love is to will the good of the other. Knowing the person helps in knowing what's good for them, which is loving them. I heard an analogy once, again probably Fr Mike Schmitz, where he said that a weeping willow and a cactus have different needs. A cactus needs little water, and a weeping willow needs a lot of water. If either gets the opposite of what they need, they will die. Love also works like this. People need different types of love (the love languages can help here).
We also use the word love a lot. "I love what you've done with your hair." "I love her dress." Some of us never feel comfortable using the word out loud (a very Irish thing!), but "love" can also be overused so that when we use it in a more profound sense, it is undervalued. We use this word for so many emotions. Valentine’s Day is another one that has been stereotyped as this romantic, Eros celebration, which is beautiful; however, St. Valentine was initially associated with the Agape love- this selfless, unselfish and sacrificial love aimed at any family, friend or partner. There isn’t a linear process to love or even in the four types, however, your experience of love can shape how you express it too.
If you want some follow-up reading, I recommend reading The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis to get more in-depth learning of each type of love.